The Spin
(based on a true story)
ACT II
Scene 12
Saturday, February 11, 4.30 pm
(Gathered in the Oval Office are Karl Rove, President Bush, Alberto Gonzalez, Condoleezza Rice, Chief of Staff Andrew Card, two young staffers taking notes.)
CARD
Ok, folks, we’ve got a problem. Apparently Libby’s going with the story that the Vice President ok’d the Plame leak.
AG GONAZALEZ
I’m on it—I can be on ten Sunday programs saying it was legal. People hear it enough, they’ll think it’s in the Constitution that we’re supposed to out spies we don’t like. Spying isn’t a nice thing to do, anyway.
PRESIDENT BUSH
That’s true, Bert. Spying entails a lot of…uh…underhanded kind of stuff..that’s not the American way.
CARD
That’s another thing we’ve got to get on top of. We’re losing control of the wiretapping thing. People don’t buy the “terrorist surveillance” thing, sir.
GWB
But, Bert—you said that was legal, didn’t you?
GONZALEZ
Uhhmmm…sir, that’s a great tie.
GWB
Oh, thanks, Alberto. Mr. Cheney let me borrow it. I got a little ketchup on it, but maybe he won’t ask for it back. Now, moving on, does anyone here think it’s possible to get Brownie to say he was only kidding about us?
ROVE
I don’t think so, Mr. President, but we’re getting the word out about his head injury.
GWB
Oh--he hurt himself?
ROVE
Uh…well, uh, yes, sir…he was riding one of his stallions in Virginia, and…
GWB
Wait, Karl, aren’t stallions Italian horses?
ROVE
Oh! Right! Thanks, sir—I meant to say “gelding”..
(Leans over to Card and whispers.)
GWB
So, ok, this week we’ve gotta manage the wiretapping thing, the spy thing—I still can’t believe that pretty woman was a spy—it sort of makes you wonder about those James Bond movies, doesn’t it? I mean, maybe there’s a little truth in those stories…
RICE (clears throat)
Uh, Mr. President, we’ve also got continued anti-US uprisings in Pakistan, which is especially awkward because they’re the most visible nation in our coalition of the willing….We have to figure out how to deal with Hamas, and there’s a mounting skepticism in the EU about our credibility.
ROVE
Then they’re not our friends.
GWB
They sure aren’t.
CARD
Sir, the other thing we’ve gotta handle is a new poll that’s due out Monday—you’re below 40% again. The media are gonna pounce all over that one. You know how voracious they can be.
(GWB stares blankly.)
(Suddenly, a red-faced Vice President Dick Cheney bursts in.)
CHENEY, smiling ear-to-ear
I shot a guy!! Oh, man! I just shot a guy today!!
(Everyone in the room is silent for a moment in astonishment, then spontaneously pepper Cheney with questions.)
GWB
OK, everyone, simmer down--can’t you all see Mr. Cheney is upset?
CHENEY
Upset? I always wanted to see what it was like to actually shoot someone! Now let ‘em say I’m not a tough guy!
GWB
Uh, Mr. Cheney….did you kill this guy?
CHENEY
Nah, he’s gonna be fine…quail hunting accident, I popped him with a couple hundred pellets…no big deal. You shoulda seen it, fellas, it was amazing…by the way, it was Harry Whittington…I got him in the face, the chest….he dropped like a lead balloon!
CARD
But he’s going to be okay?
CHENEY
He’s fine! Well, I think that’s what he meant when he lifted his hand while he was on the stretcher—I’m sure he meant to give me the “thumbs up.”
CARD
We’ve gotta keep this quiet, Mr. President.
GWB
Your secret’s safe with me, Mr. Cheney. And don’t you worry—if this does get out and you get in any kinda trouble, I’ll just pardon you. I can do that, right Bert?
GONZALEZ
Uh, well, Mr. President, you might want to think…
RICE
This can’t get out—this is just what we need right now…
ROVE
What’s the matter with all you people?
(A sudden silence falls on the room.)
ROVE
I’m ashamed of every last one of you. Keep it quiet? This is the break we’re waiting for! Sure, keep it quiet tonight, to give the appearance that we’re trying to cover it up, but tomorrow, let it rip! Start small, maybe we can give it to a local paper or something, and then let’s not acknowledge it for a few hours—this is great! I thought steroids in baseball was a great distraction—this tops ‘em all!
GWB
Uh, Karl, I don’t get it…aren’t cover-ups bad?
ROVE (trying to be patient)
Mr. President—we’ve got lots of stuff to deal with this week—Plame’s back, the wiretapping thing, oil & gas windfalls after Exxon declared record profits, like Condi said, stuff all over the world, and you’ve got a poll coming out that says 60% of the country thinks you’re a failure…this is perfect. Let’s make it look like we don’t want this out—that way, the media will play it up over and over and over. Let’s face it, it’s just a hunting accident—happens all the time, and that’s how the American people are gonna see it. They’ll wind up hating the press and—believe it or not—feeling sorry for the Vice President here because the papers are giving him such a hard time over an accident that could’ve happened to anyone. Come on—everyone—what’s better? Mike Brown telling the country that we screwed up after Katrina—right when those victims are losing their temporary housing—or the whole country concentrating on how the press is abusing us? Then, when the media starts talking about FEMA again next week, nobody’ll believe them—PERFECT!
GWB
But a cover-up, Karl?
ROVE
If it doesn’t look like we tried to cover it up, then that shows we know it’s not a big deal. Come on, let them harp on how we “covered it up” for a week, ten days—it’ll backfire. With me, it always backfires on the press!
(The room falls silent again, pondering what Rove has said.)
GWB
Karl, I’m gonna get you a Medal of Freedom—you’ve saved the country again.
CARD
Uh, Mr. President, that might look a little weird, sir.
GWB
(after thinking about it for a moment.)
OK, I guess Andy’s right. Hey, Karl, how about these cuff links? You like ‘em? They’re yours if you want ‘em.
CHENEY
Hey—is that my tie?
FADE
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